Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
