i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
