SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
