she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
