There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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