one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
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