Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You can't special order awesome
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
