I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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