if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If I die, sorry about rent.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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