just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
