Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
