We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
