The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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