New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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