you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
