New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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