i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
