saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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