Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
