The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
