I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
