I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
This toilet bowl is my home.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
