booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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