in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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