hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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