My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
