You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
