Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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