Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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