he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
