Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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