I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You're a disaster
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