all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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