my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
