I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
