im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
