I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
