I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
