Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
