I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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