god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
