then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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