hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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