the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
