I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
