I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
