You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
