How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
