quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
