There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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