I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Do you remember whose house we're in?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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